*Trigger warning* this blog post talks about eating issues, weight loss, mental health issues and suicidal thoughts.
Please note this blog entry is a 4am ramble from the heart. True words that I’ve never written before. I know there will be others who feel similar.
I’ve been wanting to lose weight ever since I was a teenager. I always felt overweight and massive compared to other girls, looking back on my size 10/12 frame, what I didn’t realise at the time, was that I simply matured quicker than others and had a curvier figure. What I would give to have that figure now! But, as time went by, this mindset and other negative situations I found myself in over the years, wore away at my self esteem and soon I found myself a UK size 28. My weight has yo-yo’d up and down for years, working it off, reaching plateaus and back up again. I’d go through weeks of visiting the gym, drinking water, eating less bad food, and then throw it all away. Consistency is definitely not my forte when it comes to this sort of thing.
But I can’t take it any more. The depressed, floating through life, lack of self esteem way that I feel on a daily basis. I can’t tell you how many time I’ve felt myself not wanting to be here anymore. I grab at my belly, my round, lumpy that the doctors say is just fat but others say is fluid. The varicose veins that have developed. The heaving, gasping chest that is too heavy for me to exercise with, that I struggle to find a sports bra for. Finding sports wear to fit me, even now as a size 20 is sometimes a struggle without spending a great deal of money on it, which I don’t want to do because it’s money I don’t want to waste.
It’s the hiding eating at work for fear of someone judging you, their brains saying to them look at that fat person eating that bad food, then at home on your own, binging chocolate, crisps, fizzy drinks and more. It’s the wanting to eat salad, but spitting it out as it’s so bland and gross. It’s the trying new foods but hating the taste and texture of it, forcing yourself to try and swallow it as you know it’s better for you than what you have been eating. It’s the aching hips, sore joints, stumbling sometimes when I walk, having to sit down every 20 minutes after doing any sort of movement.
It’s the pulling down your clothes as they ride up when you walk, the not being able to borrow your partners hoodie because you’re much bigger than he is, it’s the realising you’ve made a dent in the sofa from where you sit around too much. It’s the realising you’ve given yourself varicose veins from sitting too much!
So so many negatives, no wonder I feel trapped in this skin prison of mine. But that’s the beautiful thing about this situation: it can be fixed.
But then I realise: it’s a prison of my own making. Counselling and therapy really is life changing and something I will continue with throughout this process, as well as reading self help and motivational books and videos. I have seen so many incredible people transforming their lives, and I want to be one of them. I try not to hate my body, there are times where I love my big curves. But these times of loving my body and self are few and far between, I created it to shut the world out. I created a fat me to avoid the male gaze after sexual abuse. I created a fat me to avoid social events where I struggled to talk to new people and keep friendships alive. I created a fat me as a defense mechanism against so many things, it seems over time I thought I was protecting myself, but in fact I was walling myself in with misery and pain. I created a version of me, that is so far removed from the me in my head, that I don’t recognise myself. I don’t just mean physically, mentally too. I think i’m capable of doing things without realising that actually no I can’t: I love strolling through the woods with Rob and Albie but the hike up the hills to get home sends my heart rate through the roof, breath hammering and eyes pulsing as I feel i’m going to black out from the effort. It’s the wanting to go back to horse riding knowing i’m a decade out of practice and far too heavy to try. But it can be fixed.
I know this sounds so negative, but I am also grateful for it in some ways. It allowed me to hide in plain sight, to recover without much fear of bad things happening again.
But i’m so tired of it, of feeling like i’m drowning in a sea of my own misery. But I feel a real sense of renewed positive energy since turning 28, a fresh page! The new year is coming soon and I’m so ready to feel more positive and happy. No more absent mindedly, floating through my twenties, achieving nothing, feeling down all the time and with no purpose. I can’t tell you the amount of times Rob has heard me saying horrible things to myself, wishing I wasn’t alive, berating myself for eating one wrong thing. I feel it also brings me down as a partner, I don’t want my darkness to darken him, I want to be seen as fun, happy, successful, inspiring. I want him to be proud of me.
I’m getting married. I am loved and deserving of it! I have great skills and a lot to offer the world and I want to be a good influence for others. And that is why 2022 is going to be my year of me. My year of putting myself and my health above all else.
I want to wear the white wedding dress and feel comfortable and happy in it and love my wedding photos.
I want to be healthy. I want to enjoy bike rides with Rob and long country walks with Albie without pain in my legs, shortness of breath and other ‘fun’ side effects of being obese.
I want to enjoy my life with my future husband and do everything I can to be healthy enough to hopefully have children.
I want to wear the clothes and styles that I see others wearing and that I know I simply cannot now.
My doctor has offered me tablets to start the process. Alongside a healthier diet, more water and more exercise.
There has also been talks about bariatric surgery of some sort, and where that could possibly fit into my journey. I’ll be honest, I’m not afraid of much but death is up there. The idea that I could die from a surgery, spend thousands on it and it not work, endure life long issues with my body from the surgery and still not have dealt with the psychology relationship between myself and food: has all really put me off the idea of having surgery. I’m not saying I wouldn’t, but it’s given me enough of a scare to try and do it my way for a year before I consider it.
Having any surgery is scary, but knowing that there could be ways of avoiding it, that’s the path I want to take. If i’ve got to save up thousands for surgery, I’d rather it went to a loose skin removal surgery instead of multiple surgeries.
I’ve pulled out my bullet journal and created a weight loss tracker page, I have dusted off the bathroom scales, set up the MyFitnessPal profile, manoeuvred the exercise bike in front of the TV (Hey, I still got to watch some Netflix!) the dog has been briefed that we will be doing at least 30 minute walks morning noon and night and that we’re going to take it a day and a meal at a time. I am giving myself one year to sort myself out. To push myself, to actually try, to actually be self focused enough to achieve things for myself and my future family.
I can only hope that the habits will build, and so will the self esteem as the pounds drop away. I need them to, otherwise I’m facing some very scary health risks, lifestyle changes.
So please, do stick around on my social media, hopefully 2022 is the year something amazing happens. My overall goal is to lose around 100lbs in weight: I don’t know if that’s achievable in one year without surgery but it’s my overall goal, as long as I see progress in myself in 2022 I’ll be happy.