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6 September 2016

A raw honest post about my depression

Sometimes it is really difficult to be honest with yourself. To know when you've truly had enough of something, rather than continue fighting it.

For me, I always try and try again. I'm stubborn as hell, I may throw a hissy fit but I will try again. I try not to quit things if I can.
I put up an instagram story about how I was so excited for September. That has been true for months. So much change was about to happen to my life in September and I was yearning for it...


Last year wasn't pleasant for me, at all and when I moved out in January, a lot of things began changing in my life. Like Kylie said ' it's the year of just realising stuff'. I woke up in January. I really did. I was in love, I wanted my career change and was determined to do better in so many things. I was so driven!


Fast forward to September and those feelings have returned after a real lull. I've realised so much about myself needs to change. I like to make mid year resolutions too, ones that tie in with the start of the new academic year. It allows me to refocus.

For the past few months, I've been this horrendous ball of anger. I don't really know why. I guess many reasons. But in the past month,  a lot has happened to me. A lot that I won't talk about on here but enough to shake me up, make me realise that I'm not a child and i'm responsible for myself, my actions and looking after myself. So, I need to figure out a lot to keep myself on the right path.

I headed home which can always be rocky due to my parents and I having very different lifestyles and ideas. I completed my internship, something I was terrified to do but I did it. That has ticked my 'do something useful this summer for your career' box and got me excited for my Sports Media internship to begin. I lost my relationship. But I gained a new friend with a girl who moved into my building.

I've gone from extreme happiness to extreme sadness multiple times a day for a few weeks now. All in all, it's been exhausting. I realised my depression was alive and kicking again and no wonder, what had I been doing to look after myself? Living alone isn't always easy especially during the summer when I'm couple of hundred miles from family and friends are at home. I've never really dealt well with loneliness but I'm so glad that September is finally here. I can start building the blocks back up to make myself feel like myself. Personally, I love this little cartoon, it's so helpful to describe it.


Because the past couple of months, I feel I really lost myself. My skin conditions ruled my life, I screamed and shouted at the one person I loved and derided them. I would not want to get out of bed and my depression came back in full swing. I refused to take my tablets and seek help for my other medical issues. I even stopped taking photos.


All in all, I feel like I gave up dealing with the constant stress and worry.

But this past week, as soon as I flipped that calendar to September. I felt hope. I felt I was able to slowly sort things. I realised this is a slow journey, I won't just wake up fine one day, super successful, easy to love and perfect. It just doesn't happen, I need to take steps to fix my issues before I can even focus on moving my life in the direction I want to go in.

Yes there's been some awful moments too this past week, making me feel like I can't catch a break but I haven't let them stop me. I have sorted so much out in the past week and I'm honestly proud of myself.

I've chased up late payments, organised my budget for this coming semester (oh and I'm now weeks into being financially okay, something that has caused so much stress in my life! Being a poor student is really difficult). I feel like I'm slowly starting to understand money. I've said to myself 'no you don't need that' or 'get that in a couple of weeks when your budget allows it' and i've thought nothing more about the item. I'm so pleased with myself that I'm finally respecting money and my budget more. In the past I was positive I couldn't live off of it but now I'm seeing how easy it is. It's in a way, about respecting yourself. About not giving yourself that extra stress and worry over an item or a product that your life does not depend on!

I firmly believe the key to feeling better now is to look after myself. To be selfish in a way I haven't before. As soon as I had the money and could afford to spend it, I bought a years pass to the gym. Done! No financial stress for the rest of the year, it's paid! I can now just focus on getting in the gym a few times a week around lectures and focusing on my health and my weight loss.
In the past couple of weeks since I came back to Newcastle, I've been out on my bike more. I've really fallen for the damn thing. I just love the isolation of it. Just climb on and off you go, just me and my head and some breathing space. Then when I've finished I look down and see I've burned todays' calorie goal. Another tick in the box.

For me my body is the huge problem. The problem that causes all the other problems. I have no confidence because of it. Being so overweight affects every aspect of my life and it's really hit me how true that is. I get insanely jealous of others with nice bodies, I wear the same baggy clothing and try to hide. I was so convinced I wasn't loved because of how I looked but the more I think about it, I had the wrong person in my crosshares. It was me that hated me. Not my family, friends or boyfriend. The jealousy, paranoid, depressive thoughts all stemmed from me and how I felt. My lack of confidence ebbed into everything. But as soon as I got back to Newcastle I started trying to fix this. I feel so pumped, happy and excited for life when I've worked out, when I see those calories burn. I'm drinking more water now and avoiding fizzy drinks even pepsi max (except at weekends) because I want to turn my life around. I honestly believe that if I love myself more, that will fix so many of my issues.


I've also been sorting out my flat. I moved in in January and since then have never really gutted the place out. Sound odd, but we packed most of my stuff and I never really sorted through it all looking for stuff to get rid of. This week my task is to throw out (donate) clothes I know I'm never going to wear. I had organised my shelves into sizes but now I realise there's no point in having size 12 clothes at the bottom that I'm desperate to fit into. So, I'm going to throw them in a suitcase and unpack them when it's time to wear them.
I've bought new bedding, I love my fairy lights and I've bought extra storage to keep my flat tidy. I know that leaving my room a mess is a sign my depression is getting bad so keeping it clean and tidy is imperative.


My lack of confidence is a huge problem for me. So I need to fix that. The brilliant thing about all of this is a lot of this is fixable. I just need to take the steps. They all tie in together, so by improving one, i'm improving another, so hopefully progress will be quick to appear. I've joined societies and next week is Freshers. I'm part of the media freshers team and will be going to training later on today for it. Next wednesday is the freshers fair where I'll be representing my societies. I've already started my sports internship which was such a brilliant start to this week! I'm putting myself out there in ways I haven't before, and I'm hoping it will be exactly what I need. To have a busy, bustling, exciting final year at uni will help fix so many issues and help me on the path to being a better person.

I've also started counselling to talk through many of my private issues and am following through with trying to be happier. I realised that I do deserve to be happy, as do the people in my life. My actions affect others and if someone makes me happy they deserve to know it. It doesn't do anyone any good if I am the way I have been.


To be honest, I don't know why i had to write this. I don't even know who i want to read it, if anyone, but i had to write it. I've also learned that some things are out of my control and I just need to be patient and wait. I can do all I can to urge these things along, but inevitably I need to see how things play out.

I feel so positive this morning. I woke up early, edited a video, and am now on my way out to the shops to get healthy food, my prescriptions and a much needed bike pump. I feel like I've got a handle on today at least. And that positivity is going to radiate onto the rest of the week.


I hope you have a really great week and if you are having problems, don't worry they're only temporary and you can fix them. You've just gotta have the strength to put yourself first and come up with a plan! xx





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